


Sileno de Bergerac (ENG)

by Tedros Oddmann (Leporeo)



Category: Cyrano de Bergerac - Edmond Rostand
Genre: BDSM Scene, Balcony Scene, Bisexual Female Character, British English, Character Death, Dialogue Heavy, Double Penetration, Eventual Happy Ending, Flashbacks, Gangbang, Group Sex, Hentai, Kissing, Lesbian Sex, Love Polygon, Masturbation, Multi, Oral Sex, Parody, Poetry, Promiscuity, Rhyming, Romantic Comedy, Sex Toys, Small Penis, Threesome - F/F/F, Threesome - F/F/M, Translation, Two-and-a-half-some (F/M/(M)), Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-18 00:55:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 8,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29359884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leporeo/pseuds/Tedros%20Oddmann
Summary: Sileno de Bergerac, despite his minuscule member, is a very skilled lover; too bad his crush, Roxane, is a penis gourmet. Her ideal phallus belongs to Christian, who'd be quite happy to offer it to her; sadly, he lacks the skills to satisfy her. How will this impasse be resolved?
Relationships: Christian de Neuvillette & Cyrano de Bergerac, Christian de Neuvillette & Le Bret, Christian de Neuvillette/Roxane, Comte de Guiche/Roxane, Cyrano de Bergerac/Le Bret, Cyrano de Bergerac/Original Character(s), Cyrano de Bergerac/Original Character(s)/Roxane, Cyrano de Bergerac/Viscountess de Valvert, Duenna/Lise, Duenna/Lise/Viscountess de Valvert, Lise/Ragueneau, Original Character(s)/Original Character(s)





	1. Act I, Scene 1

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Sileno di Bergerac (ITA)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29361363) by [Tedros Oddmann (Leporeo)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leporeo/pseuds/Tedros%20Oddmann). 



> This is a hentai parody of Cyrano de Bergerac, rigorously in verse like the original theatre piece, in British English to boot. It's an already finished work: it will be uploaded ~~every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, sometime in the evening (CET).~~ thrice a week, if I don't forget it.  
> The count de Valvert is genderbent, and Henry Le Bret is replaced by his sister Louise, so he's sort of genderbent too. Some characters are added, some others are cut out.  
> Lastly, English isn't my first nor second language, and British English is even less than that (why did I even decide to stick with it, again?), so there will be errors: pretend it's poetic licence, or even better, make me know.  
> Feedback is appreciated!

_(Christian and Lignière are at the theatre, before the show start.)_

CHRISTIAN

What a crowd!

LIGNIÈRE

Of the _crème de la crème_ it’s composed.

Now, where’s that blonde-haired tulip whose name you want disclosed?

CHRISTIAN

I can’t see her.

LIGNIÈRE

 _Adieu_.

CHRISTIAN

Wait at least for the show!

RAGUENEAU _,_ _accosting_ _Lignière._

Have you spotted, Lignière, the lord of Sileno?

LIGNIÈRE

Here comes the poets’ pander!

RAGUENEAU

Since all of them are single,

they love my pretty babies, and with them often mingle.

LIGNIÈRE _to_ _Christian,_ _jokingly secretive_ _._

He is filled with such rapture, when with lines he’s bestowed,

that he gladly dispenses his whores to hear an ode!

RAGUENEAU _,_ _humbly_ _._

Oh!… Madrigals are plenty!

LIGNIÈRE _,_ _inquisitiv_ _e._

What of this evening’s ticket?

What did it cost?

RAGUENEAU

Two hustlers, freedom on where to stick it.

CHRISTIAN _,_ _amused_ _._

Offbeat box office workers!

RAGUENEAU

That’s odd… Where’s Sileno?

LIGNIÈRE

Why?

RAGUENEAU

Montfleury is playing Phédon tonight, although

his one-month ban still lingers.

CHRISTIAN

Who’s this man? Would you spill?

LIGNIÈRE

He’s

a cadet and a Gascon. A good—

LE BRET _,_ _enthusiastically stepping in._

A new Achilles!

Each soul his sword encounters is a soul he bewitches!

RAGUENEAU

And in multiple senses, my babies say…

LE BRET _,_ _annoyed_ _._

The bitc—

RAGUENEAU _,_ _interrupting_ _Le Bret_ _._

Is

“courtesans” maybe chicer?

LIGNIÈRE _,_ _going on_ _._

… He’s one who never grovels…

RAGUENEAU

… A poet most uncommon…

LE BRET

… Writes physics works, plays, novels…

LIGNIÈRE

It seems he will be AWOL… But look who’s on her way!

_(He gets perplexed, as Roxane arrives unescorted.)_

Alone?

CHRISTIAN _,_ _to_ _Lignière._

That’s her! Now chatter! She’s come, finally!

LIGNIÈRE _,_ _deadpan_ _._

“Yay”.

Her name’s Roxane. She’s nubile, and on a quest to find…

How to put it… A pestle sufficiently refined.

CHRISTIAN

Seriously?

LIGNIÈRE

I have written about her deeds aplenty

just today, as it happens, in a spicy sirvente.

RAGUENEAU

But… What if those lines anger her cousin, God forbid?

CHRISTIAN

Her cousin?

LE BRET

Sileno.

LIGNIÈRE _,_ _departing_ _._

He hates those who get rid

of their own moral fibre: if his cousin is searching

for the best branch of coral on which she will get perching,

he’ll want this to be published. That said, I gotta scram.

LE BRET

A woman who treats beardies like they were objects? Damn…

I like her!

_(The curtain rises, Montfleury appears.)_

RAGUENEAU

Sileno won’t come, it seems. That’s queer…

VOICE

I’ve banned you, Montfleury! What are you doing in here?

MONTFLEURY

_Happy is the man dwelling…_

SILENO _,_ _jumping up on stage_ _._

Make me repeat myself,

and soon your head will truly be resting on the shelf!

_(Montfleury flees.)_

PRÉCIEUSES

How foul-mouthed! – How wicked! – What of the ticket price?

SILENO

Don’t fear: I’ll make you trial this Italian device,

that all your front- and backsides will rapidly beguile!

_(He throws a bag full of dildos; the audience knuckles down. Le Bret shuts her eyes and runs away. Christian and Ragueneau are assaulted.)_

A way to lift the spirits? Here’s the Parisian style!


	2. Act I, Scene 2

_(In a room, under a giant Roxane poster and a “♥ROXANE♥ fan club” banner, there are some women with befitting fangirl shirts.)_

NARRATOR

Elsewhere…

ALPHAND

Please, take my corset for your Rox-statuette!

FAN A _, dubious._

Is it authentic?

ALPHAND

Clearly: her tit’s smell ain’t gone yet!

FAN B

I bid up for the statue with this “Two Roxanes spooning”!

ALPHAND _, admiring the erotic drawing._

Heavenly!

FAN B _, winking._

Callipygian!

FAN A _, admiring the erotic drawing._

So revealing I’m swooning!

_(Duenna arrives, Valvert behind her.)_

DUENNA

Girls!

FANS

President!

DUENNA

Valvert has sensational news.

Come on!

VALVERT _, pushed by Duenna._

We have a sponsor: it’s time to hit the booze!

Today, the count de Guiche has called me to reveal

that for Roxane he nurtures a love which is ideal!

FAN A

Ideal?

VALVERT

Like ours, platonic!

FANS _, hiding the merchandising._

Y-yeah, that’s right!

_(Between themselves.)_

What a keen nose…

VALVERT

He’ll be able to shield her!

ALPHAND

But he’s a man!

DUENNA

So he knows

how males think, and his money and standing will deter

the scum that wants to sully —

FAN A _, drooling._

And taste —

FAN B _, licking her lips._

And lick her fur!

VALVERT _, after a moment of perplexity._

Any way, who’s the jammy gal who got to escort her

to this evening’s _Clorise_? Here’s every Rox-supporter

and her _chaperone_ , also.

_(She points at Duenna.)_

Is she lone on the streets?!

DUENNA

Her period came: she’s resting.

ALPHAND

I wish I had her sheets!

VALVERT

Wait! While I was in transit, I’ve seen her on the coach!

DUENNA

What!?

FAN A

Oh, no!

ALPHAND

Same old trouble!

VALVERT

If some trash dares approach

our goddess and violate her… I’ll slay that sex offender!

DUENNA

Let’s go!

_(She leads Valvert to a horse and she rides it.)_

Get on!

_(She helps her mounting and she puts her arms around her own waist.)_

Hold tightly!

VALVERT _, to herself._

Well, I’ll be! This is tender…


	3. Act I, Scene 3

_(De Guiche enters Roxane’s private box seat; she’s observing the orgy with interest, and taking notes on an old notebook.)_

ROXANE

De Guiche?

DE GUICHE

It’s _count_ de Guiche, young lady.

ROXANE

Fufufu…

You mentioned, when you asked me for us to _rendezvous_ ,

that you wanted to show me something one of a kind.

DE GUICHE

May I?

ROXANE

You may! And hurry, lest I tan your behind:

I fled my _chaperone_ , I hope it’s…

_(She gawks at the stump de Guiche pulls out.)_

Oh my gosh!

DE GUICHE _, pleased._

So?

ROXANE _, measuring._

Your glans is two inches across, it’s round, dark… Posh.

DE GUICHE

And the rest?

ROXANE _, taking notes._

How to say it… There are better designs.

I’ve seen superior bagpipes even within saints’ shrines.

And the pebbles… They’re smaller than taws! You’d be unable,

with them, even to tackle a match of tennis table!*

NARRATOR

GONG *A poetic licence, since there was no ping pong

yet, during the _Grand Siècle_ , just like porn movies. GONG

DE GUICHE

How dare thee!

ROXANE

Hey, we aren’t that intimate, are we?

DE GUICHE

Then I’ll intimidate thee into intimacy!

ROXANE _, sighing._

There you go. Hard to study ‘tween rapists and bootlickers…

DE GUICHE _, grasping her._

Come on, give me some kisses! And away with these knickers!*

NARRATOR

*Another license: knickers weren’t a thing, it seems,

in this age, yet.

DE GUICHE _, aftertaking her clothes off._

This subplot comes straight out of my dreams!

_(He puts his face between her breasts, then he fondles and licks them; Roxane’s impatient.)_

ROXANE _, pushingde Guiche and getting on her knees._

Let’s hurry… There’s a marvel, down there, that I can’t miss.

DE GUICHE _, giving her his penis, whose glans Roxane begins to suck._

Having thee as lick-spigot like this… It’s such a bliss…

_(He tries to pull Roxane’s head, but she resists him.)_

Deeper!

ROXANE

It’s _de rigueur_ , deep down? I like your balanus,

but…

DE GUICHE

Wait, what is a balanus?

ROXANE

A glans!

NARRATOR

(When poets’ maleness

compensates with stretched rhyme-words.)

DE GUICHE _, forcing her to let the whole thing in her mouth._

There’s no way I’ll restrict

this pleasure to my bishop!

ROXANE

Khh!

DE GUICHE _, mocking._

I knew we’d have clicked.

_(He suddenly pulls back, crying in pain. On his penis there are bite marks.)_

Aaah! Holy…

ROXANE

COUGH! I needed to thwart your selfish plans.

DE GUICHE

Ugh… Sorry…

ROXANE _, surprised._

Still relentless, this little lance-cum-glans?

_(She sits doggy style.)_

Come on! But if you’d rather not find yourself castrated,

you’d better not go swapping the holes to be dilated!

DE GUICHE

This orchard is dumbfounding!

ROXANE

 _Merci_.

DE GUICHE _, seeing blood._

Art thou a virgin!?

ROXANE

Puh… AHAHAH! My flitter ain’t a place to converge in?

Wipe away this blood smudges!

DE GUICHE _, with a confident smile._

I’ll wipe all night, _ma biche_.

ROXANE _, between herself, hardly stifling a laugh._

And yet, it gets more dirty as you go on, de Guiche.

DE GUICHE

I am shooting!

ROXANE _, dramatically._

I’m melting!

NARRATOR

Hint: one of them is lying.

DE GUICHE _, ejaculating._

Roxane!

_(A page appears.)_

ROXANE and PAGE

Count!

DE GUICHE _, collapsed over Roxane._

What’s the matter?

PAGE _, bowing._

News I should be supplying.

Valvert is here, with madam’s duenna! (How’s she called?)

They don’t know where this venue is, but soon—

DE GUICHE _, redressing himself, followed by Roxane._

I'm appalled!

I would have liked a couple more rounds with her.

_(He addresses Roxane.)_

_Chérie_ …

_(He leaves, closing the door. Roxane looks out the balcony, where the orgy still goes on.)_

ROXANE _, seeing Christian’s beef and jumping up._

 _Mon dieu_! The bully-ruffin of my dreams! Such a spree!


	4. Act I, Scene 4

_(De Guiche closes the door of Roxane’s balcony, and Valvert and Duenna arrive.)_

VALVERT

Count! Where’s Roxane?

DE GUICHE

Don’t worry, she’s here. I’m standing guard.

DUENNA _, breaking into the balcony._

I’ll kick her ass.

VALVERT _, dragging de Guiche by an arm._

She mustn’t see us, or she’ll be scarred!

DE GUICHE _, smirking._

Lol…

VALVERT

Come quick!

_ORGY_ _,_ _muffled._

Aaah! Oooh! Eeyah!

VALVERT _, slowing down in front of the entrance of the theatre._

Do they all need to heave?

_(She opens the door, and she’s faced with the orgy.)_

VALVERT

The hell…? This will bring doubtless trauma to our naive

Roxane!

_(She hits her fist on the door to draw attention.)_

BUMP!

DE GUICHE _, touching his groin, where a dark stain appeared._

What’s your purpose?

VALVERT

To put up the most strenuous

resistance! BUMP!

_(More and more people stop to look at her.)_

PRÉCIEUSE _,_ _breaking away from her partner._

_Seigneur!_ What’s this? How disingenuous…

If you were empty-handed…

_(She extracts a dildo from her rear, and she throws it to Valvert, that instinctively catches it.)_

… You shoulda just asked.

VALVERT _, dropping it._

Yuck!

_(She moves forward, wiping her hands on her dress. De Guiche puts a hand into his pants, and takes it out bloody, to his surprise.)_

Who’s to blame for this ruckus?

SILENO

Me, ma’am.

DE GUICHE _, getting a cloth from the page_ _and thrusting it into his pants._

De Bergerac!

Let’s leave.

VALVERT

I am no chicken.

_(She addresses Sileno, haughtily pointing at him.)_

You are the bawdiest man

who ever lived in _France_.

SILENO _, to himself._

Here comes another fan…

VALVERT

And why are you not naked? It’s your own rule you clout…

Is it because your shuttle compensates for your snout?

_(Sileno drops his pants.)_

CROWD

Oh!

SILENO

As you see, it’s something at which you’ve justly scoffed.

VALVERT _, faking pity._

I hope the little fellow swells, when you come aloft.

SILENO

It is _already_ standing.

VALVERT _, almost sorry._

Wow. You won’t ever please

a woman, with that bracmard…

SILENO

You kidding? It’s a breeze

exploiting it to bully you so much you’ll turn pallid.

VALVERT _, dismissive._

Poet!

SILENO

So much I’ll fable about it in a ballad…

Nah, a sonnet is drafted in a shorter time slot.

Just at the close, not sooner, you’ll have a melting… Pot.

VALVERT

So be it! But your chutzpah is completely misplaced:

in fact, all men – I’m sorry – aren’t quite to my taste.

SILENO

“ _About when Sileno, while giving a recital,_

_made a lesbian_ _splatter_ _.”_

VALVERT

What would this be?

SILENO

The title!

_(He does what he says, line by line.)_

_I move close up, and I caress your skin;_

_you ba u lk ,and I tear open your gift-wrap._

_I put a finger in your mouth, and lap_

_your teats ,by now erect to your chagrin,_

_I put an expert hand in your thigh gap…_

_Refraining, at this point, is the real sin._

_I kiss your neck,and thus ensure my win,_

_considering the surges of your sap._

_I grab and slowly place what’s in my crotch_

_in yours … And now, a quiz. What are the initial_

_letters of “iron pipe”?_

VALVERT

I. P.!

SILENO

_Your plumbing_

_is in dire straits, indeed, and that’s official._

_I push, I brush your clit, and then…_ _Hey, watch_ _:_

_I close the sonnet and just now you’re cumming._

CROWD

He’s good! – What a technician…

RAGUENEAU

He ad-libbed such a sonnet!

DE GUICHE _, gesturing his servants to pick Valvert up._

Take her and get her clothed.

_(The servants dress Valvert and take her away, behind de Guiche. Le Bret arrives.)_

LE BRET _, covering her eye such that she only sees Sileno._

Sileno!

PRÉCIEUSE _,_ _opening her legs_ _._

No one’s on it…

_(The orgy resumes.)_

SILENO _, identifying Le Bret when she gets in front of him._

Why are you in the area?

LE BRET _, completely shutting her eyes._

We must at once take wing,

since the Royal Policemen are going to do a spring!

_(Sileno leads Le Bret as they get out. Christian is swarmed by women again.)_


	5. Act I, Scene 5

_(Sileno and Le Bret walk along the empty harbour. Le Bret holds the dress she was previously wearing, now she’s wearing light clothes.)_

SILENO _, apologetic._

Had I known you’d bought tickets, I’d have arranged, instead,

the orgy for tomorrow. I’m aware that you dread

PDAs…

LE BRET _, smiling._

We’re all conscious I’m quite a fake Parisian!

_(She sits against a wall, and prompts Sileno to do the same. Then she darkens a bit.)_

How come you didn’t see me?

SILENO _, sitting beside Le Bret._

Way too cute to envision…

_(Le Bret blushes, surprised.)_

… Opposite from the tomboy that always comes to fight

with the cadets…

LE BRET _, endearingly punching him._

You idiot.

_(She looks up at the sky.)_

Look at the full Moon’s light.

SILENO _, looking up too._

Oh, my dearest companion, dazzling shine of my life,

always climbing with effort in your unending strife,

falling for your fair brightness was an undreamed-of boon…

LE BRET _, incredulous and embarrassed._

Who is this speech addressing?

SILENO

Who else?

LE BRET _, irked._

… Of course. The Moon.

SILENO

I’d inhabit its valleys…

LE BRET

I’ve always said you’re bonkers.

SILENO

Up there, there aren’t phonies nor histrionic plonkers…

LE BRET

I don’t get why you target so much that Montfleury.

SILENO

All because of his _chou_ , everything but _petit_.

_(He gestures a significant length.)_

I’d die, if this fact causes that heart as black as tar

to nibble at the apple I admire from afar.

LE BRET

D-do you mean…?

SILENO

Yes, I’m smitten.

LE BRET

And do you fear… Your face…?

SILENO

I would cut this annoyance off, if this was the case.

No, my beloved cares nothing for one’s facial appearance:

I have a tiny carrot, so, with perfect coherence,

amongst all girls, I’ve chosen the smuttiest ever spun.

LE BRET

Is it maybe Magdeleine, your cousin?

SILENO _, gravely nodding._

Yeah, Roxane.

She’s spent her life researching the largest jockey breeds,

I don’t believe my ferret could satisfy her needs.

LE BRET

S-sex ain’t everything, dimwit!

NARRATOR

And yet, this is hentai.

LE BRET

Were _I_ in her place…

NARRATOR

Golly, you’re not even near by.

LE BRET _, towards the narrator, annoyed._

Shush!

_(She turns to Sileno again.)_

But the knickers* flooded by you mean you’ve a great

cosh!

NARRATOR

*Come on.

SILENO

It is lacking in size, although first rate.

And for Roxane the clincher is above all its measures,

more than its _savoir-faire_ : that’s what she mostly treasures

as an aesthete.

LE BRET

You’re hinting she’s pretty bonkers too.

SILENO

After all she’s my cousin… Wait, Le Bret! I can view…!

_(Le Bret is undressing.)_

LE BRET

I remind you I’m female as well (you know, from birth);

and, since Cupid and Venus don’t deem your grief of worth,

if there’s a speck of meaning in me and you being chummy,

my bod at least can offer some comfort to you…

SILENO _, covering his eyes._

Dummy!

I don’t need it! And feezing… Didn’t it use to chafe you?

LE BRET

Yes, but you… With your succour… You would make me feel safe, you…

SILENO _, removing his hands from his eyes._

Le Bret…

LE BRET

Oh, Sileno…

DUENNA _, appearing near by._

Where are you? Slow your gait…

SILENO _, tensing up._

Good lord, it’s her duenna!

LE BRET

Who is “her”?

SILENO

My soul mate!

_(Standing up, while Le Bret redresses herself.)_

_Bonsoir_!

DUENNA

Your cousin wishes us to arrange a meeting.

SILENO _, between himself._

Mightn’t it be _that_ ? 

LE BRET _, between herself._

Mightn’t it be _that_?

SILENO _, between himself._

Yay!

LE BRET _, between herself._

That’s cheating!

SILENO _, pulling himself together._

What’s the reason?

DUENNA

No spoilers! Now, where will it be kept?

SILENO

Let’s see… At Ragueneau’s!

DUENNA

Are you serious?

SILENO

It’s apt

for Roxane.

DUENNA _, sighing and leaving._

Sigh. _Touché_. We’ll see you at half past

seven.

SILENO

There’s hope! My goodness! Now I got at half-mast!

LE BRET _, dispirited, between herself._

So, before…

LIGNIÈRE _, arriving._

Sileno! Near my humble abode,

peeved at me for the lewdness with which my lines are sowed,

one hundred of those Rox-fans – as queer as it may sound –

lie in ambush to lynch me as soon as I go round!

SILENO _, fixing his pants._

One hundred women censor a veritable work?

Leave it to me, Lignière!

_(Between himself.)_

Good, I won’t need to jerk!


	6. Act I, Scene 6

_(In front of the Porte de Nesle, Roxane’s fan club waits for Lignière’s arrival. Duenna, the only one missing, arrives, and is approached by Valvert.)_

NARRATOR

_Porte de Nesle_.

VALVERT

Ready?

DUENNA

_Oui_. Let us cut to the chase

and avenge Roxane’s honour, blemished from that disgrace.

VALVERT

He will regret his libel, that liar of a bard!

DUENNA _,_ _embarrassed_ _._

About that…

VALVERT _,_ _without listening_ _._

For his falsehood, we’ll cudgel him so hard!

_(In a corner, some fans are animately discussing.)_

ALPHAND

… These are the facts I witnessed!

FAN B

It’s too absurd a theory.

FAN A

We must face this disaster, there is no way out, dearie.

ALPHAND

If we get to the ballot, you will not have my vote.

FAN A

We’ll cope with this betrayal.

FAN B

Let’s hear something of note.

_(She addresses Duenna and Valvert.)_

President, we determined Valvert should be expelled,

since it looks like the fondness that for Roxane she’s held

happens to be so fragile she felt more than a frisson

for a _m_ _an_.

FANS

Yes, it’s proven! – She’s impure!

DUENNA _,_ _putting one arm around_ _Valvert._

Girls, please listen!

You haven’t seen the power of his perverted skill!

No woman in thisplanet would have endured the thrill,

not even Rox-supporters.

_(Between herself.)_

Roxane neither, indeed.

FAN B _,_ _seeing_ _Alphand_ _nodding_ _._

Seriously?

FAN A

Don’t talk rubbish! With love, we’re guaranteed,

and without any hassle, to push away all sorts

of attacks!

SILENO _,_ _popping out from a corner, with his penis out._

You’re too cocky! With my little rose quartz

I’ll make you squirt like fountains, I am willing to bet

the underclothes Roxane with her first menses wet.

FAN A

So be it! But your chutzpah is completely misplaced.

VALVERT

Hey, déjà vu.

ALPHAND _,_ _torn_ _._

We shouldn’t… But saying no seems a waste!

_(Sileno begins to show his skills, with two, three, four fans at once.)_

FANS

Nnh… – Aah… – Gh… Iiih! – Noo… Rapist…

SILENO _,_ _halting his tongue_ _._

Really?

FANS

No, please continue! –

How can it be… – Ah! – Puh… – When he lets loose within you,

he arouses… – Uh! – Whoa… – … Your deepest spots… – Could this

madman manage to triumph… – Roxane! – Gasp! – Here’s a kiss…

_(Some fans Sileno “treated” start to make out with themselves and the awaiting fans.)_

DUENNA _,_ _from behind_ _._

Our ambush just got ambushed…

ALPHAND _,_ _nearby_ _._

Well, far from me to flatter,

but it’s totally fitting he’s named after a satyr:

he’s relentlessly putting his lovers through the wringer.

FANS

Gnaa! – SPLURT!

SILENO _,_ _disentangling himself from the serviced fans._

Let all who’re longing to cum just lift a finger!

FANS

SHLICK! – Eek! – SQUIRT!

ALPHAND

Postulating that I join in the final

spurt… But then, is it really worth it? In this vaginal

face-off, I’d risk the burning passion I feel toward

my goddess, and that’s stupid.Then again, the reward…

SILENO _,_ _behind her_ _,_ _interlocked with_ _Fan B_ _and_ _Fan A_ _,_ _sweaty but still_ _erect_ _._

Leave monologues to moments when they are better spent!

I’m missing just three bucklers for one-hundred per cent!

ALPHAND

Already?

NARRATOR

We truncated the plot, for briefness sake.

ALPHAND

But… What about fanservice?

NARRATOR

Relax, you’re going to shake.

_(Fan B, Fan A and others help Sileno in teasing Alphand.)_

ALPHAND

That’s… Cheating, with their… Gueh! Backing…

SILENO

You have a point.

Ladies!

_(The other fans leave Alphand alone and go on between themselves.)_

ALPHAND _,_ _clenching her teeth_ _._

I’ll get that bounty!

SILENO _,_ _biting_ _one of_ _Alphand’_ _s nipples_ _and pulling the other._

Let’s see if, with a joint

attack…

ALPHAND

Anh! This offensive is, as strikes go, quite faint!

_(She makes Sileno cum with a foot.)_

SILENO

SPLURT! Fuu… I must pay tribute to your stubborn restraint,

buta last batch is bursting!

ALPHAND _,_ _cumming_ _._

Oh, no! Why did I gamble?

SILENO _,_ _getting up and trudging_ _,_ _still erect_ _,_ _towards_ _Duenna_ _and_ _Valvert._

Look who we have!

DUENNA _,_ _cracking her fingers with a confident smile_ _._

Your climax!

SILENO

You jest! It’s the preamble!


	7. Act I, Extra Scene

_(Valvert is sleeping behind a bush, while covered by a big picnic blanket.)_

NARRATOR

The previous year, the autumn of ‘39, at ten

past seven, in the parkland called _Luxembourg Garden_ …

VALVERT

Snort…

_(A girl bends over her, kisses her and withdraws with a smile, as she’s opening her eyes.)_

GIRL _, between herself._

This bad breath…

VALVERT _, muttering while closing her eyes again._

It’s early…

GIRL _, softly._

No longer: soon, this park

will get crowded.

_(Valvert turns over.)_

There’s people already, I remark.

VALVERT _, sitting up. The blanket falls, showing her nakedness._

Oh, blast!

_(She grabs her clothes near by and starts dressing.)_

GIRL _, standing up while looking about._

It was amazing; too bad it has to end.

VALVERT _, freezing up, looking like a beaten puppy._

Why?

GIRL _, contrite._

Love between two madges is a taboo, my friend:

apologies, I wouldn’t jeopardize my good name

for this… I ask forgiveness: it would just bring us shame,

in the long run.

VALVERT _, cold, getting dressed._

Well, thank you from the butt of the joke.

GIRL _, before dashing away._

Sorry. _Adieu_ , _chérie_.

VALVERT _, folding the blanket, gloomy._

… This, too, went up in smoke.

ROXANE

What a beautiful morning!

VALVERT _, starting at the sound._

My eye… Well, _ear,_ is caught.

_(From behind the bush, Valvert sees Duenna. Beside her there’s Roxane with a large dog on a leash, but Valvert hardly sees her from her position.)_

VALVERT _, nodding while scanning Duenna._

Not bad…

_(A nobleman on horseback appears in front of Roxane and Duenna. The two women stop..)_

NOBLEMAN _, dismounting._

Roxane…

ROXANE _, scornful._

This bother again!

VALVERT _, managing to see Roxane at last_ _and opening her eyes wide._

Oh no, she’s hot!

NOBLEMAN

I’ve come to ask you whether you have pondered…

ROXANE

I wonder.

In any case, you’ve squandered your time…

NOBLEMAN _, carelessly._

Oh, what a blunder!

I’d almost forgot, kiddo: beware of knives and guns,

if you choose to reject me, and likewise your loved ones,

since probably my parents would catch wind of the fact

that a jilt took advantage of her already cracked

gulf, and pursued me, scheming to mother a love child…

ROXANE _, moving forward with her growling dog._

Will the culprit interpret the victim’s role? That’s wild!

Niddhog?

NIDDHOG _, approaching the nobleman._

Grrr…

NOBLEMAN _, falling back._

Aaah!

ROXANE _, letting Niddhog’s leash fall._

Get running, lest he eats you!

NOBLEMAN _, mounting his horse and running off._

You’re mental!

ROXANE _, laughing and picking up the leash._

And Niddhog, that’s the cherry on top, is oh-so gentle!

DUENNA _, smiling._

For once, it’s a behaviour I feel I should be praising.

VALVERT _, charmed._

Sharp as a tack, courageous and gorgeous… She’s amazing!

NARRATOR

Later…

_(Roxane gets home, and entrusts Niddhog to a stable boy.)_

ROXANE

We’re home!

DUENNA

Please, enter; I’ll catch up in a while.

_(She gets to Valvert, hiding behind a crate, and she strikes her down, putting a foot on her face.)_

Misfit! Lowlife! Roxane could see you from a mile

away! You stalk too rashly!

VALVERT _, attempting to move the foot._

Henceforth I’ll learn to spy

more stealthily!

DUENNA _, lifting her foot._

A noble…

_(Lowering her foot again, this time with double strength.)_

… But still lacking reply!

VALVERT _, writhing._

She will be none the wiser!

_(As the pressure increases, she stops squirming.)_

… Do you expect I’m giving in?

Then kill me, now! Without her, this world is not worth living in!

DUENNA _, sighing and taking her foot away from Valvert, who sits up._

Welcome, I guess, new member.

_(She sees Valvert dubious.)_

The fan club of our star!

_(Valvert nods.)_

DUENNA

I’m warning you, your hiding can’t remain so subpar:

learn to do better, quickly, or I will make you squirm.

VALVERT _,_ _looking like a lost puppy._

Learn to…?

DUENNA _, after a moment of hesitation._

How many fangirls’ presence can you confirm?

VALVERT _, after looking about._

I see none, but accounting for the possible hiding

places around… Three?

DUENNA _, grinning and heading home._

Twenty. Seek their advice and chiding.

NARRATOR

Next year…

_(Roxane and Duenna are walking an even larger Niddhog through the Luxembourg Garden; a picnic blanket comes up from behind a bush.)_

DUENNA _, to Roxane._

Gotta pick flowers…

_(She goes behind the bush, lifts her skirt and pisses over Valvert.)_

I’m sort of in a daze.

What’s the point of this blanket?

VALVERT _, smiling._

Homage to the old days.

DUENNA _, sighing and fixing her clothes._

I should punish your antics, and stop going with the flow…

VALVERT _, rolling her eyes._

And still, this flow of urine drenched me.

DUENNA _, tongue sticking out._

And rightly so!


	8. Act II, Scene 1

_(In Ragueneau’s brothel, some prostitutes are waiting to be chosen by customers.)_  
  
NARRATOR  
  
The next day, at the lobby of Ragueneau the pimp’s  
  
whorehouse. It is a quarter to eight.  
  
PROSTITUTES  
  
I see a glimpse  
  
of hope he’ll make a sortie! – His gentle feedback spurs  
  
me on! – He’d like my costume… – I’m the one he prefers! –  
  
_(Alphand arrives, gets naked and sits amongst them.)_  
  
Here comes our sweetest greenhorn!  
  
ALPHAND  
  
_Bonjour_ , pals! What’s the buzz?  
  
PROSTITUTES  
  
Sileno!  
  
ALPHAND _, fed up._  
  
Again? Hang it all! What is it he has,  
  
to make you chase his bodkin so much?  
  
PROSTITUTES  
  
He is a giant  
  
of the field! – He’s a patron! – He’s a devoted client!  
  
ALPHAND _, perplexed._  
  
… And, despite his adroitness, he pays to probe your thickets?  
  
PROSTITUTES  
  
Oh, no! – Were he more avid, those who open their wickets  
  
would pay _him_ , and profusely. – He’s such a lady killer! –  
  
_(A client inspects Alphand, and leads her by the hand into a small room.)_  
  
He is a sound investment: an ordinary pillar,  
  
over the years, is fated to reach the waning phase,  
  
but, in step with his prowess, his value will just raise!  
  
ALPHAND _, shuddering._  
  
That’s nonsense! … Him improving _more_.  
  
_(She begins to make love with the client, lost in thought.)_  
  
Taking it in stride,  
  
who knows what sort of mutton is going to be his bride…  
  
Some kind of beauty, surely. Curvaceous. A bit dirty,  
  
just to prevent a stalemate in sex when they get thirty.  
  
Younger than him, that’s patent. With short, chestnut brown hair.  
  
_(She distractedly touches her hair, then opens her eyes wide.)_  
  
… This isn’t my description! First of all, I don’t care  
  
for that pig in the slightest! Besides, that ugly hooter…  
  
_(She imagines a smiling Sileno and blushes.)_  
  
Perhaps he’s not _too_ nasty, after all… He must suit her…


	9. Act II, Scene 2

NARRATOR

In the pimp’s room…

_(Ragueneau, sitting at a table with pen and ink.)_

RAGUENEAU

Lord bless thee, oh sacred Mount Parnassus.

LISE _, coming in dressed as dominatrix._

Crawl to thy mistress, lowly insect!

RAGUENEAU

Please, don’t harass us

today, my dear… I’m very inspired! My mind just brims

with prompts, as if Euterpe in person brushed my limbs!

LISE _, pulling out her husband’s penis and mounting it._

Wait till I brush thee…

RAGUENEAU

Slacken what thou art trying to tighten!

LISE

No, thou hast to be punished for having such a titan…

RAGUENEAU _, getting his hips moving._

As long as later, sugar, thou leave me to my lines.

LISE

Aaah… As thou wish…

_(Between herself.)_

This sucker! My attractiveness shines

so much more than his Muse’s, and soon I will receive it

amid his frenzied screaming!

_(Loudly.)_

Huff… I just can’t believe it…

Huff… Huff…

_(While thrashing, she accidentally topples the ink bottle on Ragueneau’s papers.)_

RAGUENEAU _, stopping._

Noo! My poor stanzas!

LISE

Go on!

RAGUENEAU

No!

LISE

What a knave…

RAGUENEAU _, lifting her._

Get out.

LISE

Thou shan’t tempt fortune—

RAGUENEAU

I’m not thy bleeping slave!

LISE _, putting on a nightgown and going away._

Once, I thought being my puppet was what thou loved a ton.

RAGUENEAU

Athens and Sparta battled with Darius’s son,

_once_.

LISE _, furiously treading through the brothel._

Accursed poet, knotted in his jumbled lines reticle!

_(Slamming her heels.)_

I’d stamp on his feet gladly, were they not theoretical!

_(Alphand’s client leaves their room, alone. Lise gets in, curious.)_

Is everything in order?

ALPHAND _, getting up._

Ma’am, I’m sorry I acted

distractedly!

LISE

Excuse me?

ALPHAND _, getting out of the room._

I was a bit distracted.

LISE _, motherly putting an arm around her._

Sharing helps.

ALPHAND

Is it sanctioned?

LISE

It is ordered!

ALPHAND

I’m thinking

about a certain person since yesterday: a stinking

male, even though I’m lesbian!

LISE

How can you trust this spiel?

ALPHAND

I love a woman!

LISE

“Therefore I’m free from male appeal”?

I’m in love with my consort, but sometimes I devour

pistil, nectar and petals of a delicious flower…

_(She squeezes and licks Alphand, who doesn’t dare to refuse. Sileno arrives.)_

SILENO

Ragueneau! Are you open? I crave a placket-lace!

RAGUENEAU _, coming running._

Sileno! Grats for yester—

SILENO _, brushing off the topic with a humble gesture._

Who’s it I will embrace?

_(Alphand falls back, Lise understands and blocks her, pushing her towards Sileno.)_

LISE

There is this new arrival…

SILENO _, recognizing her._

Look who’s here!

RAGUENEAU

Ain’t she cute?

SILENO

That, she is.

ALPHAND

But…

SILENO _, taking her in his arms._

One hundred women got to dilute

my still swelling euphoria, last night; now you must cover

for thousands of mount-faulcons.

ALPHAND

But…

SILENO

Come on, do not hover!

_(They go into an open room, Sileno puts her on the bed, gets naked and goes at it.)_

SILENO _, stopping as soon as he sees Alphand’s torn gaze._

What’s going on?

ALPHAND

I’m not ready!

SILENO

You aren’t? It’s your craft!

Do you need me to wager…?

ALPHAND

I’d simply lose, you daft.

SILENO _, disentangling himself from her._

All right.

ALPHAND _, surprised._

Where are you going?

SILENO _, moving to get out of bed._

To ask for a spare bawd.

ALPHAND _, grabbing him, then letting go._

Wait! No… I mean…

_(Between herself.)_

Don’t haver! This feeling that has gnawed

at me must stop: escaping would just delay this fate.

_(To Sileno, as she grabs his penis and begins to lick it.)_

Ah will do it; but, mind ya, ya’re not allowed to shate

my thirsht, not by a mouthful.

SILENO _, twisting to start a 69._

Not a wish I can grant,

shinsh mutual fulfilment ish why shecsh maycsh ush pant:

Ah won’t be shuch a failure of a man, sho to shpeak,

to finish without bringin’ my woman to the peak.

ALPHAND

Don’t… Teh! Put in ya nozzol!

SILENO _, carrying on with his tongue._

Ah’d choke! None would be shayken

into doin’ that, not even in a porn…

NARRATOR

He’s mistaken.1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1 [ http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0135320/](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0135320/)


	10. Act 2, Scene 3

_(Ragueneau enters the room Sileno and Alphand are cuddling in. Sileno gets anxious, Alphand hugs him lovingly.)_

NARRATOR

Later…

RAGUENEAU

Roxane draws nearer!

ALPHAND _, panicking._

Roxane?! Here?

SILENO _, nervous._

I omitted

she’s who asked the appointment.

ALPHAND

Roxane! Well, you’re acquitted.

_(She hides under the bed, just before Roxane and Duenna’s entrance. The latter, seeing Sileno naked, covers her eyes with a hand, annoyed.)_

SILENO

Please, hold on just a minute!

_(He gets up, steps up to the door and beckons Lise closer.)_

Have some fun at your leisure

with this beautiful lady.

DUENNA _, between herself, surprised._

Me, beautiful?

LISE _, smirking and taking her by the arm._

With pleasure!

SILENO _, getting back in and facing Roxane._

Here I am.

ROXANE _, sitting on the bed._

_(Alphand, ecstatic, admires Roxane’s ankles a few centimetres away.)_

Hercule, firstly I must thank thee a lot

for having taught some manners to that annoying clot,

Valvert, whose stalking hobby was quite a vexing vice.

SILENO _, nonchalantly moving close._

I’m glad to have been helpful, and not just once, but twice.

ROXANE _, disregarding his erect penis in front of her._

Twice? Hast thou been so gallant to offer a rematch?

_(Alphand plays with herself.)_

SILENO

Let’s call it that.

ROXANE _, making him sit beside her._

This vagueness of thine managed to catch

my attention. How juicy a duel did thou hold?

SILENO

It wasn’t _dual_ , for starters, since _one hundred_ heads rolled _._

ROXANE

Wow, not bad. I’ll be happy to hear a tale so cool…

But now, for this palaver, I’ll need that same Hercule

with whom I, how nostalgic!, played doctor as a kid

on those Bergerac haymows, and who every week did

some farm girl, but returning he played dumb; then a check

from his pretend-wife noticed a love bite on his neck,

and I burst: “Thee backslider, who’s this new tart thou screwed?”.

_(Roxane lifts her head and notices a love bite on his neck.)_

For real?! Is it a token of thy feat?

SILENO

Thou’rt still shrewd:

thou hast not changed.

ROXANE _, nostalgic._

Thou betcha. For instance, even then

I measured kicky-wickies of uncountable men,

starting with all the hostlers.

_(Alphand stops, stunned.)_

SILENO

… Their horses’, too.

ROXANE

Right, horses.

_(Alphand is bewildered.)_

SILENO

Seems like yesterday, holy—

ROXANE

Although the truth, of course, is

that, even if some aspects haven’t changed an iota,

I am no more a _loli_ , and thou’rt no more a _shota_ …

SILENO _, tense._

Have we met just to witter?

ROXANE _, slyly._

Thou know about my quest:

I did it! And all credit goes to your dildo fest:

I was finally able to find the Supreme Beef,

which even made some readers unsuspend disbelief.

_(Alphand weeps, upset.)_

Today, its lucky owner is joining thy cadets…

Can thou make sure he doesn’t get hazed by army vets?

SILENO _, gritting his teeth._

Touch wood, and in our barracks he will be touched by none.

His name?

ROXANE

He is the baron of Neuvillette, Christian.

Thanks! I love thee! And listen: for the die to be cast,

if tonight he came visit…

SILENO _, more and more livid._

Will do.

ROXANE

Thanks! And, at last,

please warn him a lack-lustre, poor performance in bed

would make it so that during the deal I’d end up dead.

_(Duenna pops out, dishevelled and out of breath.)_

DUENNA

Roxane!

_(Seeing everything’s fine, she visibly relaxes.)_

ROXANE

Yeah, we’ve just finished.

_(She addresses Sileno.)_

I love thee! I’m so grateful!

SILENO

Always my pleasure!

_(He gloomily adds between himself, while Roxane and Duenna leave.)_

Acting as my love’s pimp… How hateful.

ALPHAND _, popping out from under the bed._

Your love?

SILENO _, jumping._

Ah! Blast! I’d blotted your presence out. Don’t pry

too much, and keep the secret, please… Wait, your… Did you cry?

ALPHAND

Yes, and the why is simple: my image of Roxane

as a pure beauty, pristine and higher than the Sun…

SILENO

You were way off, I get it: now I fathom your shock.

Yes, she’s a girl whose nature suits more the _Belle Époque_ ,

but I love all her features.

ALPHAND _, her voice cracking._

A pretty noble feeling.

I’ll pray for you to manage to get her hot and squealing.

SILENO _, downcast._

Thank you, dear. If her armour turns out to have a chink,

I’ll pay you back for praying until it ends to shrink.

_(Sileno leaves. Alphand imagines herself getting hugged by him and Roxane; she blushes, then shakes her head attempting to get the picture out of her head.)_


	11. Act 2, Scene 4

_(A handful of Gascons barges into Ragueneau’s brothel.)_

PROSTITUTES

Who are these men? – They’re cadets, I know about their race:

their blood is blue and reckless, they have no saving grace.

GASCONS

Oh, chicks! – They are the cutest! – I like _ménages à trois_!

PROSTITUTES _, accosted by the Gascons._

Hey now! Get off me! – Filthy!

GASCONS

I want to see your bra!

SILENO _, popping out from a hallway, followed by Alphand._

Halt, cadets!

PROSTITUTES AND GASCONS

Sileno!

PROSTITUTES

Please, help us!

GASCONS

No, please tell us

of last night!

SILENO

You’re all tipsy when it’s still morning, fellas?

GASCONS

We had to toast the hero who won his spurs by scorning

what common sense dictated…

_(Christian arrives and is noticed by Ragueneau.)_

RAGUENEAU

Hey there Christian, good morning!

GASCONS

… And carried out an epic feat, and didn’t succumb…

CHRISTIAN

Good morning, Ragueneau! Say, can I ask you some

advice?

GASCONS

… Or rather, ended…

RAGUENEAU

Of course!

GASCONS

… Fresh as a daisy!

CHRISTIAN

How can I be acknowledged by them?

RAGUENEAU

Doing something crazy.

GASCONS

The story! Tell the story!

RAGUENEAU

If you hope for these nuts

to accept you, the method is to show you have guts.

SILENO _, preparing to narrate._

All right!

CHRISTIAN _, going towards the Gascons who are sitting in a circle._

Thank you!

RAGUENEAU

No problem!

CADET _, seeing Christian getting closer._

Newcomer, here’s a tip:

if you say the wrong swearword, better give him the slip.

_(He shows the middle finger.)_

Understood?

CHRISTIAN

Are you talking about…

CADET

Shh! Watch this scenery:

do you get why no dauntless has pulled out his machinery,

despite all these low countries ready to be importuned?

Nobody wants his rudder subjected to being shortened!

CHRISTIAN

What about last night’s frenzy?

CADET

Well, that’s another matter:

when he’s the instigator, semen can freely splatter;

but doing or just pronouncing the word, not to belabour it,

without a clear endorsement from him… I’d rather sabre it!

_(Christian nods, grateful, and accosts Sileno, who is starting his tale.)_

SILENO

Yesternight, as the beauteous Moon was still half her route,

around the nearby harbour I was—

CHRISTIAN

_Fucking_ about.

SILENO _, getting up outraged._

Who’s this?

CADET

Christian de Neuv—

SILENO _, stopping._

Let’s resume! Where was I?

_(Sitting, then standing up again.)_

Ah, sod it!

_(Restraining himself again.)_

I was _lazing_ about, watching the sky.

I saw Lignière, who wasn’t giving a

CHRISTIAN / SILENO

_fuck_ / damn

SILENO

to

the Moon. I thought: “That’s fishy as

CHRISTIAN / SILENO

_fuck_ / hell”,

SILENO

so I drew

near, and asked: “In a pickle?” “I

CHRISTIAN / SILENO

_fucked_ / stuffed

SILENO

up.”, his answer.

“I

CHRISTIAN / SILENO

_fucked_ / messed

SILENO

with some fairies…

CADET

He’s set to give him cancer.

SILENO

… Having spread my sirvente: I had to

CHRISTIAN / SILENO

_fuck_ / buzz

SILENO

off,

because they’re, though

CHRISTIAN / SILENO

_fuck- /_ bird-

SILENO

brains, one hundred on their trough.”

“For

CHRISTIAN / SILENO

_fuck_ ’s / Pete’s

SILENO

sake!”, I shouted, with

CHRISTIAN / SILENO

_fuck_ -all / zero

SILENO

calm,

swearing those

CHRISTIAN / SILENO

_fuckers_ / assholes…

CADET

This is the tenth F-bomb…

SILENO

… Would pay dearly for fuckin— _walking_ over my buddy.

Thus, they were

CHRISTIAN

fucked.

SILENO _, to the cadets._

Out, pronto!

CADET _, leaving._

He’s fucking dead.

_(Sileno stares at him.)_

Er, _bloody_!

_(When everyone beside him and Christian is outside, Sileno hugs him.)_

SILENO

You’re fearless!

_(He pulls away from Christian.)_

But now, pretty please, stop _fuck_ -ing me.

CHRISTIAN _, between himself._

Shady.

_(Towards Sileno.)_

Yes, no more

SILENO _, smiling._ / CHRISTIAN _, confused._

_fuck_ ery / bullshit.

SILENO _, taking his trousers off and studying his penis, impressed._

I see. You and that lady

are really meant together.

CHRISTIAN _, more and more confused._

Who’s that?

SILENO

Roxane, you moron!

CHRISTIAN

Her?!

SILENO

Her: I’m her fraternal cousin, so bank, to score, on

my help. Tonight she’ll dawdle on her balcony: pick

the flower that attracted more than a pudding-prick;

there’s just a catch, she’s warning you she will pen essays on

your pen, so she’s demanding an unsurpassed liaison,

but I don’t think—

CHRISTIAN

_Bon sang_! I’m doomed to make her suffer!

Being hung is my one virtue: in love, I’m such a duffer!

SILENO

Conversely, I’m a master of love with a small gristle.

SILENO _, between himself._

I wish I had his spindle…

CHRISTIAN _, between himself._

Christian, the gap’s abyssal…

SILENO _, determined._

Okay, here’s the solution!

CHRISTIAN

For real?

SILENO

Listen a second…

_(He murmurs in Christian’s ear.)_

Mutter, mumble…

CHRISTIAN _, uncertain._

You serious?

SILENO _, feigning detachment._

Yes, it’s a game I reckoned

to be fun, and Roxane’s let-down won’t risk occurring.

CHRISTIAN

Will she truly enjoy it?

SILENO

She’ll be on you all purring!


	12. Act II, Scene 5

_(Le Bret, dirty, sweaty and dressed as a man, arrives at the brothel’s door the cadets are trying to eavesdrop through.)_

LE BRET

What’s going on?

GASCONS

Oh, Le Bret! – Your man is getting fierce

with a rookie…

_(Le Bret bursts into the lobby.)_

LE BRET

Hey, rookies aren’t whom you should… Pierce?

_(She finds them hugging, and imagines unspeakable things.)_

SILENO _, putting an arm around Christian and getting closer to Le Bret._

Don’t worry, I’m not planning at all to hop the fence.

_(Turning towards Christian and introducing Le Bret.)_

I present you Le Bret, spry girl who likes to… Fence.

She’s my dear friend.

CADETS _, quietly amongst themselves._

The airhead calls her a “friend”… – Poor lass…

LE BRET _, extending her hand, resigned._

Pleased to—

CHRISTIAN _, shaking her hand, perplexed._

Don’t you remember…?

LE BRET _, surprised._

You saw through the low-class

clothes, and identified me?

CHRISTIAN

No matter if with pearls

or beads of sweat they smarten up, the truth is all girls,

with skirts or pants, are charming and cause men to run riot.

SILENO _, jokingly._

Hey, keep it in your holster, you ladies’ man!

LE BRET _, irked._

Be quiet!

At least he recognized me! And last I checked, you weren’t

my dad or my fiancé… Neither future, nor current.

SILENO

Hey, chill. Bet it’s your period, whose effects you can’t stem.

LE BRET _, leaving enraged._

You see me as a woman just with a bleeding wem!

_(Sileno is about to follow her, Christian stops him.)_

CHRISTIAN

Leave her to me. This issue would just get more severe,

left in your hands.

GASCONS

Precisely!

_(While Sileno stands frozen, Christian chases Le Bret. He finds her sitting with her face in her hands, and silently gets closer.)_

CHRISTIAN

You know, it’s all too clear

what you think of his feelings for you.

LE BRET _, looking up, then down again._

He’s my example,

that dork, all things considered; if he just didn’t trample—

CHRISTIAN

On your love?

LE BRET _, stiffening, then dropping her shoulders and caressing the hilt of her sword._

Please, no snitching, for it would be quite awful,

when you get your just deserts, to clean up all your offal.

CHRISTIAN _, gulping._

Gulp. Is he maybe lovelorn?

LE BRET

Yeah, but why blow a gasket,

anyway, if I’m rated as a lunatic mascot?

Dressed like this, I’m too boyish and I can’t make him drool;

but he can’t even pick me out if I preen, that tool!

And what about his complex for having a two-incher?

The plot should be: “He figures the truth out, that the clincher

of true love ain’t its measures, and I get him”. The habit,

though, he doesn’t abandon, is to screw like a rabbit!

CHRISTIAN _, crouching._

Although I’m no plots pundit, regarding how he tripped

up in that thing, be clement: he’s, though poorly equipped,

male: as such, prone to blunders like this. Keep it between us,

I made some too; I’d gamble Mars made them too with Venus.

And before, when you ditched him – and rightly so, to boot, –

his frozen face was chilling that house of ill repute.

You should go back and relish his mood; I wouldn’t shut

that, asking for acquittal, he’ll change his current stance

on your shifty connection.

LE BRET _, impishly smiling._

You’re a fully-fledged devil.

CHRISTIAN _, putting a hand on her shoulder._

No, this soubriquet matches whoever gets to revel

in her selfish enticement of him, so you’re who clenches

her teeth, despite your merits.

LE BRET _, grabbing Christian’s hand and pulling it to lift herself up._

_Allons_ , amongst the wenches!


	13. Act II, Scene 6

_(In the brothel, Ragueneau is putting Sileno on trial. He’s wearing a sort of judge wig, except it’s red, and he has a rough dildo as a gavel. Prostitutes and Gascons form the jury. Alphand sits at the defendant’s table, Lise at the plaintiff’s.)_

RAGUENEAU

The plaintiff gets to argue.

LISE _, looking like she’s having lots of fun._

It’s grievous: the indicted,

with such a flimsy pretext, indelicately cited

nothing less than the menses of an innocent slit—

ALPHAND

What? Objection, your Worship! This assembly knows shit

of her innocence!

GASCONS

Outrage! – We know, we’re connoisseurs! –

The defence lawyer’s hymen is long gone, unlike hers!

RAGUENEAU _, slamming down the dildo._

THUMP! Order in the courtroom! Objection overruled.

_(Gesturing at Lise.)_

Continue.

LISE _, pointing at the still inexpressive Sileno._

The defendant can’t hope to have us fooled

into thinking he’s rueful: his solipsism’s chronic.

PROSTITUTES

There’s nothing solipsistic: he’s clearly catatonic!

_(A Gascon slowly approaches Sileno, shakes his hand in front of him in vain, then shakes his penis, again without results.)_

RAGUENEAU

THUMP! THUMP! Be quiet, jury! Let the defence retort.

ALPHAND

I negate that Le Bret is the wronged party, court:

there are the grounds for stalking that could cause a disaster

committed by the plaintiff. And I’m a stalking master!

_(She shows her Rox-keepsakes: the shirt, the corset, a chamber pot…)_

LISE

Objection! It’s quite blatant, this solicitor’s zealous

response was only prompted by the fact she is jealous!

ALPHAND _, panicking._

Jealous, me? Whose!?

GASCONS

Deceitful moll! – Boo! – Withdraw your plea! –

Le Bret will be protected by all of Gascony!

LISE

There’s an ulterior motive for which she is so whiny:

she wants to strip her client!

ALPHAND

Like Hypereides Phryne!

_(Lise starts laughing, Alphand blushes.)_

RAGUENEAU

THUMP! THUMP!

PROSTITUTES

That closet trollop isn’t content to hoard

a whole regiment…

RAGUENEAU

Silence!

PROSTITUTES

She is aiming to lord

it over Sileno, shared asset unsurpassed

in feeding…

RAGUENEAU

Silence! THUMP!

PROSTITUTES

… All the damsels who fast

for a great cosh!

ALPHAND _, between herself._

“ _Shared_ asset _”_ …

GASCONS

Boo! – We need but a drastic

way to solve this conundrum… – … Such a way is orgiastic! –

Saint-Denis!

_(They undress.)_

PROSTITUTES _, undressing too._

Sileno!

GASCONS

Le Bret!

_(The two groups “clash”, as Ragueneau, Lise and Alphand watch. Sileno is still catatonic.)_

LISE _, with a wry curtsy to Ragueneau._

Nice session, judge…

_(She retires after winking at Alphand.)_

GASCONS AND PROSTITUTES

What a bosom! – Such biceps! – This is huge, what the fudge! –

Why did we start to quarrel? – Some trinkets to caress!

CHRISTIAN _, coming in with Le Bret._

True, it’s a place for messing about, but what’s this mess?

_(He sees the orgy. Christian turns toward Le Bret, worried, but she heads straight to Sileno, oblivious to her surroundings. She drags him off by his hair.)_

SILENO _, beaming._

Oh, Le Bret!

CHRISTIAN _, watching them while some prostitutes assault him._

Jeez, these thickos aren’t even aware

they dump me in these orgies repeatedly, I swear…

_(Outside, Le Bret drops Sileno on the ground and leans on a wall crossing her arms.)_

SILENO _, getting up to his knees._

I’m extremely regretful.

LE BRET _, ironic._

At the end of your tether?

SILENO

I just took it for granted we’d always be together,

_(Le Bret tries to keep a straight face, but barely holds back a smile.)_

but now I’ve comprehended the import of my slight:

you’re a woman, in practice, despite—

_(He notices Le Bret’s murderous glare.)_

There’s no despite.

So, if you find a suitor, I’ll try not to be cruel

and call him bro… Assuming he beats me in a duel!

LE BRET _, raising an eyebrow._

Huh?

SILENO _, spreading her arms._

For you, just the top-end…

LE BRET _, bitterly smiling._

No need to be afraid

I’ll love someone less gifted than you are with a blade.

_(Between herself.)_

Like talking to a brick-wall…

_(She realizes Sileno is still on his knees.)_

Wait, we’re supposed to bicker!

_(She addresses Sileno, haughty.)_

Er, if you want my pardon and want it to come quicker,

you shall…

SILENO _, getting closer on his knees and grabbing her hands._

Tell me! I’ll carry out any wish you bring

in your heart: I’m quite driven, as glib as it may ring.

LE BRET _, panicking, looking away, reflecting between herself._

Kiss me… Say I’m your favourite in the whole wide world… Carry me

to bed… Let’s make a daughter… Let’s live together … Marry me…

_(She then whispers, embarrassed.)_

Um… Call me by my forename.

SILENO _, getting up with beaming eyes._

Louise, Louise, merci!

_(He hugs her. Le Bret returns the hug, after a moment. Sileno opens his eyes wide, realizing his mistake.)_

Right, you’re a woman! Bollocks! It’s awfully unsee—!

_(Le Bret strongly squeezes Sileno, cutting his sentence short.)_


	14. Act II, Extra Scene

_(Lise and Duenna walk along the hallway of the brothel.)_

NARRATOR

Previously…

LISE

I unearthed your yearning for her.

DUENNA

What?

LISE

You like women.

DUENNA

… That’s truthful, but—

LISE

What’s the name thou got?

DUENNA

“Thou”?

LISE _, lowering her hand onto Duenna’s butt._

“You”? Let’s not be formal… I’ll do that in the trial.

DUENNA _, stopping Lise’s hand._

Hey, if thou caught me leering, thou will get my denial.

LISE

Really? How do thou fathom your chasteness will be used

by herself in a jiffy as soon as she’s seduced?

Lacking any experience in Cupid’s matters, honey,

thou won’t appease her body…

DUENNA _, thinking to her experience with Valvert (and Sileno)._

I _did_ something…

LISE _, pointing at her face as a comment to Duenna’s memories._

Not funny.

Thou call that “doing”? Thou’rt pampered by her, just as he stitches

thee! Let us do some grooming.

_(She drags her into a room.)_

Learn how to scratch her itches,

and I’m sure she’ll be bridled: thou just need a good tack.

DUENNA _, being stripped and caressed._

But I…

LISE _, going lower and lower._

My lovely duckie, it’s useless that thou quack.

DUENNA _, finally being touched there._

AH! Not there!

LISE

Thou’rt sho whacky. Thou’rt fillin’ up my tummy

with juish, an’, SMACK, thou falta? Thou art, SLURP, way too yummy…

DUENNA

Aaah… How can such a pleasure… Uuh… Pour out of this tryst?

LISE _, sticking in two fingers and licking her clit._

LICK. Shee, practish maycsh wondash.

DUENNA

Aaah… Stop… I can’t resist

any more… Ah! Ah! Coming! Nyaaa!

LISE _, inundated with bodily fluids._

Umpf!

DUENNA _, catching her breath._

Aaaah… Aaah… Uh? Wait!

LISE _, picking up speed again and resuming her tongue activity._

Thou think that wash the coda? Thish ish up to debayt!

DUENNA _, pushing Lise’s head toward herself and rubbing a breast with her other hand._

_Mondieumondieumondieu_!

_(Lise plays with Duenna’s free nipple with her free hand.)_

That’s t—ah! Another shower!

LISE _, lifting her head._

Twice in three minutes total forty times in an hour.

DUENNA

All right! Stop! Don’t continue, or I will lose my mind.

Aah… I accept thy thesis… If these chains were to bind

Roxane, she’d have no prayer of escaping my charms…

LISE

Eh… Indeed, tongue and fingers are… Pant… Almighty arms…

But we’ve just scratched the surface of the numerous tricks

that a woman can harness to seduce other chicks…

Come back for them, I’ll welcome thee with my belt unbuckled!

DUENNA

But… What about thy darling?

LISE

Ah! Him? Listen: no cuckold

springs from two women’s linkage; who says so is a sharper.

DUENNA

Whatevs, but Rox—

_(She suddendly remembers where and with whom she left her.)_

She’s yonder, alone with…! Gotta scarper!

_(She takes her dress and rushes out of the room.)_

LISE _, rubbing her hands._

I might have found a tasty condiment to my meals…

She never even batted an eye for my high heels!


End file.
